just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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