my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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