Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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