hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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