I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
