Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
