I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
that's an acceptable place to lick
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
