apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
