I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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