Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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