There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
