I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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