When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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