I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
