Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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