Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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