My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Drake has all the answers
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
