I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
worst night to have a conscience
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
