I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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