today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
