I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
