im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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