My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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