Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
