Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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