woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
