You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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