he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
