I puked a lego.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
