I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
