If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
