Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
