I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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