i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
