Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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