its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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