so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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