no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I stole a fireplace last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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