U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
