I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
