I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
