he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
