Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
