I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
last night I used snow as a chaser
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize