The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
