Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
