writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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