Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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