i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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