Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
