There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
