OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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