PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
