Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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