My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
