I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize