we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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