I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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