I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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