life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
