god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just cropdusted the office
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
