she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
