if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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