It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
