who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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