How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
When are your genitals available?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
