At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
