you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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