Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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