we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
