I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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