He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
