i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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