Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize