did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
